Saturday, February 14, 2009

A Masterpiece Hollywood Doesn't Want You To See

Pat Travers---Black Pearl


MoTW---Eden Lake


Let me tell you a story.


Let me tell you a story about a movie that you will probably never, ever
see.

It all started out on a rainy night a long, long time ago........

There were these two young whippersnappers and they had a vision and a
video cassette of a movie.

On the aforementioned rainy night, they were discussing this movie and
one of them (probably the smart one) came up with a brilliant idea.

They would take this movie, re-edit it, add more scenes and cut the
original running time of approximately 150 minutes (that's 2 1/2 hours
to you math geniuses or citizens of Detroit and/or Omaha) to a more
streamlined 60+ minutes.

So they loaded up the cassette, a couple VCR's and more cassettes into
the back of a white Toyota Corolla and headed to the hills of Omaha,
which was actually a small rise no bigger than an anthill, clicked on
the lights of the apartment actually located at the bottom of said rise
and then unloaded the Corolla.

For the next 14 hours they tried to figure out how to operate the VCR's
since someone (probably the dumb one) forgot to bring the instructions,
but after some trial and error and yards and yards of electrical tape,
they finally hooked the VCR's up and were ready to go.

For the next 8 hours fueled by beer, Diet Dew and enough lines of
cocaine to make an 80's Wall Street yuppie blush these lads cut scenes
then added scenes to the original movie. It was no easy task, no siree.
You see, they had to play the movie one one machine while taping it on
another and then try to find a scene from the pile of tapes they had
that would fit in perfectly. Think about that for awhile. And then think
about doing it while wired on coke. Not an easy feat, hmmmm?

So on and on it went. The added someone singing. They added a picture of
a map. They added some much needed gratuitous nudity. They added the f
word (that's "fuck" for all you fucking prudes). They added running
sailors. They added bigger explosions. They added a baby in space with a
really nifty "ding" sound. They added niftier end credits. And they
added more. Much, much more.

And what did they cut? Why, they cut out all of the cute shit. And why
would they? Ever watch cute shit while wired on cocaine? I think not.
Oh, and they cut out the boring shit too since it's, well, boring.

They now had a new, improved movie but there was only one problem. Who
could they show it to? They had to keep it under wraps because the wrong
people might hear about it and come down hard on these two youths which
is really scary if you think about it really, really hard.

So it remained their little secret for a few months. Something they
could talk about amongst themselves when nobody was looking. A little
secret they had that they could giggle about while sitting at that
corner table in the workplace lunchroom while everyone watched and
wondered.

Then they got their big break. Someone that they kind of knew died from
that nasty auto-asphyxiation thing and they decided that their movie
would be the feel-good remedy for everyone's mood that day since nobody
would really want to talk about how a nice guy the deceased was since he
was really just a fucking pervert.


During the after burial buffet at the local VFW hall, the two lads
wheeled in a TV and VCR, ordered everyone to shut the fuck up, put the
tape in, dimmed the lights, pressed PLAY on the remote, noticed nothing
happened, turned back on the lights, plugged in the TV and VCR, told
everyone to shut the fuck up again, dimmed the lights, pressed PLAY on
the remote, had to go through the process again since someone forgot to
turn on the damn TV, pressed PLAY and..

It was a hit.

And it was never shown again.

When I was doing my in-depth research about this amazing story, I
discovered that there are possibly as many as two copies of this movie
on this here earth. That's right, TWO COPIES. However, because of some
certain people who I do not want to mention for fear of getting my balls
cut off, the general public (that's you. oh, and me too.) will never
EVER get to see this masterpiece.

Or will we?


COMING NEXT: That cream really worked!

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