MoTW---Zack And Miri Make A Porno
I guess it was one of those weeks when the animal kingdom decided to
Earlier this past week I had taken Mongo, my pet ant, from his ant farm
and put him on the kitchen counter so he could get some much needed
Then the doorbell rang so I instructed Mongo to keep exercising and went
to answer the door, expecting it to the UPS man with my newest shipment
of hardcore Asian porn.
Sadly it wasn't a box of porn but Jerome, replendent in a nifty
three-piece suit, the whitest sneakers I had ever seen and an absurdly
I stood there in shock since I could have sworn I had killed him many,
many months ago, but no, that was not to be.
He asked if he could come in and I thought about this for a moment and
then figured he was a vampire and wanted to be invited in so he could
get some revenge, so I made a cross with my two forefingers and thrust
it into his face but it didn't do shit so I let him enter my humble
I asked if he wanted a beer or some high grade heroin but, shockingly,
he declined both, instead asking for a glass of water.
Now thoroughly confused about this weird string of events, I grabbed a
glass and started filling up an (almost) empty peanut butter jar with
lukewarm tap water and then I heard a crash and a scream.
I turned around and saw Jerome on the floor writhing around while his
hands clawed at his face.
"Get it off me!" he screamed. "It's tearing my face apart!"
I figured he was having one of those flashbacks from all those
experiments we (ok, me) had performed on him but then I noticed that
Mongo was missing from the counter.
Looking closer at Jerome's face, I noticed this little black dot-like
thing running back and forth, stopping every now and then and then
running back and forth again, all while Jerome's fingers tore strips of
flesh from his face.
I looked around and found my trusty aluminum baseball bat and picked it
"Now stop that Mongo," I said as I brandished the bat. "Stop that or
you'll get a serious tanning on your backside."
This didn't work so I shoved the end of the bat into Jerome's face so
that Mongo could tell that I meant business, but that also didn't work.
I then whacked Jerome's face as soft as I could with the bat, but Mongo
kept up with his insane running as Jerome kept up with his insane
After one hefty whack to the face that didn't stop either of them, I
decided to call the proper authorities.
Here's the transcript of the Detroit 911 call:
911: 911, what's your fucking problem?
Me: Yeah, hey. A guy I know is getting attacked by my pet ant and I
can't get him to stop. The ant that is.
911: Wow. That's fucked. Yo!
Luckily for me I live near a Dunkin' Donuts and the cops arrived a few
minutes later.They stormed into the house with guns drawn and surrounded
After convincing them he wasn't on PCP and was really getting attacked
by an ant, they slowly backed away, holstering their weapons.
Jerome was still clawing at his face and screaming and then he wet his
"For fucks sake, SHOOT HIM!" I yelled.
"You want me to shoot the guy?" asked one of the cops.
"No you idiot, shoot the fucking ant!" I replied quite hysterically.
They conferred on this and decided it was too tricky to shoot an ant off
the face of a madly thrashing human being and called in the SWAT team.
Luckily for me I live near a titty bar and the SWAT team arrived a few
Another bit of conferring and one of the SWAT team members went down the
hall with his high-powered rifle with telescopic site and lay down on
his stomach. After checking the wind direction and adjusting the site,
he gave a thumbs up.
Then there was a loud cracking sound and, as if in slow motion, I saw
Mongo's head get blown clean off his body.
And that was that.
The cops and SWAT team left, I helped Jerome up, gave him some Bactine
and a couple squares of toilet paper and shoved him gently out the door,
promising him that we would get together sometime soon, but not in the
Luckily for me the UPS man arrived just then with my package and I was
able to block out the whole incident for the rest of the day.
When the woman came home and noticed the wet floor, I told her one of
the cats did it so she did her womanly duties and cleaned it up with no
Later that night I buried Mongo's headless body in the backyard.
All in all, it was a very sad day for me.
COMING NEXT: How I learned to sign my own name