It's that time of the year again for me to look at my ball and predict
what's gonna happen in the coming year.
But first, let's check out last year's predictions and see how I did,
shall we? Of course we shall!
1) Someone will finally wise up and take me up on that offer of
assistance I've been offering for years and years. They'll get the help
they need from someone with a full head of hair not affiliated with
someone hell bent on total world domination. (UPDATE: I have no clue
what this meant. It never happened whatever it was. 0/1)
2) There'll be a new president of something somewhere. (UPDATE: Yep, a
new pres was appointed to some corporation somewhere. I read it in a
paper or something. 1/2)
3) A live episode of "American Idol" will turn into a bloodbath because
of a disgruntled contestant. I won't watch but will cackle when hearing
about it the next day. (UPDATE: Yeah, no matter how much I dreamed this
would happen, it never did. 1/3)
4) I'll figure out a way to control my spastic sphincter while driving
through snow. (UPDATE: Nope, I still leak poo when I drive in snow. 1/4)
5) The number one movie of the year will have the letter "i" somewhere
in the title or credits. (UPDATE: I should run Hollywood. I knows my
6) Mets vs Indians in the World Series. (This hinges on someone with the
initials "JS".) (UPDATE: Oops. A collapse two years in a row. Who
woulda thunk. Oh and phuck the Phillies. 2/6)
7) A satellite will fall to the earth with an unknown lifeform attached
to it's surface. The lifeform, in the form of a jelly-like substance,
will terrorize a small town. Chaos ensues. (UPDATE: Did this happen?
I've fallen way behind with my tabloid reading so I'll have to take half
credit because it's too realistic NOT to have happened. 2.5/7)
8) For the kiddies: Cough syrup out. Vanilla extract in. (UPDATE: Fuck
the kiddies. They don't know shit or what's good for them. 2.5/8)
So, compared to last year I'm becoming less brilliant. But I am really
old so it's expected.
This year I've had a good, electric feeling as I've fondled my ball.
It's given me sure-thing predictions so let's take a look at them, shall
we? We shall!
1) A pseudo-star will choke to death on a Lego or vomit, neither
necessarily their own.
2) The Mets will not make it to the World Series. This is not reverse
psychology. Or is it? Really, it's not. Or am I lying?
3) I'll make it through my pile of 40+ unwrapped CD's, some of which
have been sitting there (yep, there) for almost three years.)
4) I'll get so sick of the word "change" that I'll accidentally slap a
cashier in a fit of rage. I'll spend a few days in jail.
5) Biggest movie of the year will have at least one "i" in the title.
Yep, just like last year but different movie.
6) Somewhere, a pen will run out of ink. The user of said pen will get
7) Aliens will land. They will thin out the herd. Driving around will be
8) A law will be passed which makes it legal to shoot those who don't
use their turn signals. This will thin out the herd even more. More food
and jobs for all.
9) I'll take a road trip somewhere that'll amuse me but bore others.
And that's it since my ball is turning a bit soft and mushy since I've
been handling it probably a bit too much.
COMING NEXT: Probably have to write about normal stuff, stuff that I'll
really need to think about.