Saturday, July 16, 2005

Don't Worry, I'm Alright!


Paul Collins' Beat---"The Kids Are The Same"

MoTW---"The Eye"

So I take a week off and some people decide it's the perfect time to
leave comments about how I suck and how they wish I wouldn't come back.

Considering that I was taking a week off from everything, those comments
really, really hurt and made me think about my position in life and how
to go about changing the way others felt about me.

I sat in the basement for the first half of last week just staring at
the walls while wondering what I was going to do. I didn't eat, drink,
pee, poop, smoke or sleep during this self-imposed exile hoping beyond
hope that I could figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

On the fourth day I decided to become one with nature and outside I went
to cut the lawn. The smell of freshly mown grass would help with my
though process as it has on many other occasions.

Everything was going well and I had almost reached a momentous decision
when I noticed that a portion of the lawn by the side of the house was
very springy. Thinking this was due to my watering habits, I made a
mental note to cut down on the amount of time I watered the lawn from 17
to 6.

While cutting the back, I noticed that there were many more spots that
were very springy and I decided that maybe watering the lawn twice a day
would be more than enough. I soon went back to my one with natureness
and finished my weekly chore.

After storing the mower in it's proper place in the garage, I went to
the back porch, sat down and lit up a cigarette. As I admired my work, I
noticed a spot in the lawn that seemed to be moving.

I sat and watched the spot moving and decided to get up and investigate.
Suddenly I remembered those giant worms in "Tremors" and figured that it
would be a really good idea if I had some salt and a baseball bat for,
you know, protection and stuff.

I got the salt and dug out the bat and went back outside. I stood until
I spotted the moving patch of ground and then I ran over and whacked it
a few times with the baseball bat.

Figuring I had stunned the worm but good, I started pulling up the grass
and dirt around the now unmoving spot of lawn. I dug down a few inches
and saw a patch of brown skin or something and I dumped some salt on it
expecting it to shrivel up.

When it didn't shrivel up, I decided to be a man and dig up some more
grass and dirt. After I was done clearing away a nice section, I found
that it wasn't a giant worm but a furry little gopher. The little guy
was just laying there like he was dead, but he really wasn't because
there weren't x's where his eyes were so I knew he was just a little bit
stunned.

I ran inside and grabbed "The Essential Kenny Loggins", slapped it into
the CD player , opened all the windows, programmed it to repeat track
#15 and ran back outside.

After a minute of "I'm Alright" blasting from the stereo and angering
the neighbors, my little concussed friend opened his eyes, shook the
cobwebs out of it's head and started doing the gopher dance.

We sat there for hours listening to the song over and over while he
danced and danced until someone down the block came over and demanded
that I turn down the music.

I looked at the gopher and he nodded his head and then he reached out
one of his little paws and grabbed my hand. "Don't let those jerks get
you down," he said. "Just continue with what you're doing and if they
don't like it, why tough turds to them!"

I slowly nodded my head as tears flowed from my eyes. He gently squeezed
my hand and then took off into his many miles of tunnel. probably never
to be seen again.

And with that, I decided to come back and write some more for this site.
So there.

COMING NEXT: The crates came in late.

2 comments:

TheWeirdcrap.com Staff said...

I know exactly what you are trying to do. I have read your last column in great detail, studying every paragraph, each word choosen, every comma, and I know that your column published on July 16, 2005 gives away the plot to the book "Harry Potter and the half breed prince", which is on sale...everywhere.

Anonymous said...

That's right! HARRY POTTER FUCKS GOPHERS!