6:12 pm: The shrieking continued and I wiped the blood from my eyes. Big
mistake. It's moments like this I wish I were struck with temporary
Lumbering down the stairs was the biggest person I had ever seen live.
I've seen shit like this in the Weekly World News and always thought
they had doctored the pictures, but as I stared in horror at this 800+
lb behemoth waddling towards me I praised the WWN on the truth only they
have the guts to tell.
She was wearing a muumuu decorated colorfully with pork chops and ham
hocks and what I fucking hoped was a huge glob of mayonnaise. From her
gaping maw that shriek spewed forth some more, causing the tiny heads of
birds flying overhead to explode and they began crashing to the ground.
The children unlucky enough not to get some smokes pounced on those
headless birds and had themselves quite the feast. As she does quite
often when I put ourselves in these whacky situations, the woman started
vomiting which just added a warm, chunky side course for the brood.
6:20 pm: The behemoth continued lumbering my way.
6:25 pm: The woman and I decided to leave. We dove into the car and
skeedaddled, heading to the local Kings where she could get something to
wash that vomit taste out of her mouth.
6:31 pm: Picked up a couple cases of Coors Light and the woman found a
nice bottle of Diet Pepsi.
6:37 pm: Sat in the car and started drinking the Coors Light. After
finishing six, we decided to discuss what we had just seen. Much to my
horror, she recommended that we head back since "It would be the right
thing to do". And people think I'm fucked.
6:50 pm: After a few more beers I felt that I was strong enough to head
6:57 pm: Found ourselves back in front of the house but this time I was
lucky enough to graze two of the kids who weren't paying attention to
any traffic since they were busy feasting on a headless deer in the
middle of the street. I was proud.
Feeling good, we exited the car and the kids gathered around us again
demanding shit. This time I was smart and had grabbed the pitchfork from
the backseat so was able to fend them off.
Amazingly, the behemoth was still lumbering towards where we were the
first time we were there. Guess she didn't or couldn't stop. Probably
because she is so fucking large, but that's just a non-scientific guess
on my part.
7:27 pm: My step sister finally reaches me and wraps me up in her huge
blubbery arms. My face is pressed directly into that huge mayonnaise (I
hope) glob in the middle of her chest.
It begins to rain.
She finally lets me go and I notice that it wasn't rain, it was tears
that were splattering the top of my head as I was being hugged. That and
I introduce my step sister to the woman. The woman is smart and runs
We make small talk about the weather and the benefits of a two caste
oligarchy or if that might be the sign of the coming apocalypse.
I notice that she smells like Fritos mixed with Tilex. Surprisingly, I
find it smells quite sexy. I realize that I have serious issues, or
maybe I've found the newest, hottest scent for the upcoming holiday
7:35 pm: Figured I had hung around long enough and told my step sister
that I needed to find the woman and head back to the hotel for some much
She didn't like this and I began to get very frightened because I just
knew that she could eat me in one bite. Told her that I was thirsty and
as she lumbered towards the front door, I made my escape.
7:50 pm: Found the woman wandering aimlessly around the track at James
Caldwell High School. After promising her that we wouldn't go back to
the house that night, she got into the car.
8:23pm: Got back to the hotel room. Turned on the tv and turned off the
cellphone. Watched a little bit of ""Reba" and fell asleep.
COMING NEXT: And it keeps going: Part 4!