OK, since I had such a strong, positive reaction to last week's first
ever movie review, I'm going to do it again, this time a big-budget
movie that came out a couple years ago that you may or may not have seen
but since I just saw it this past week I really don't care if this late
or whatever you want to call it.
Men and women are having a party drinking some tasty mead and eating pig
and they get loud and it disturbs this creature so it comes to their
party and fucks 'em up big time.
So this hero guy enters the picture and his boat in on land for some
reason and he hears about this creature and goes to the castle or
whatever and offers his services and then waits for the creature sans
clothes and lays some serious hurting on it.
Then the hero goes to the lair of the thing and meets it's whorish
mother and they get it on and then he goes back and becomes the new king
since the old king (played by Hannibal the Cannibal) decides to take
some angel dust but finds that he really CAN'T fly.
So the new king gets the old king's girl (who sings stuff) and then a
dragon enters the picture and the new king has to battle it after
sleeping with a young vixen and he defeats the dragon and dies after
sawing off his left arm so he can reach into the dragon and rip out it's
heart and crush it in his hand.
Then he dies. And then the new king(?) sees the whore in the water and
we're left wondering if he'll fall under her whorish spell. And that's
*** for the violence and the crunchy tastiness of a helpless soldier's
Technically I could stop right now, post what I wrote above and collect
my check. But, to me at least, that's a cop out. There's just got to be
something else going on in my wild, wacky life.
Sadly, no. No neighbors doing their weird neighborly stuff that annoys
me so. I even had Spunky the Clown come over a few days to spice things
up in the 'hood, but nobody seemed to care.
Even when I peed in the neighbor's garden, they didn't seem to care.
Maybe it's the old summertime blues or something or maybe they're just
putting up with my shit because they know.....
That's right. In two weeks it's time for the annual Roadtrip!
This time we're going back to my hometown. The place where I was forced
to leave almost 60 years ago.
I've died my hair a lighter blonde so I won't be recognizable. There
might be cops and high-ranking officials who remember me. Sunglasses
will also hide the true me.
Some of you might wonder why I was driven out of my hometown lo those
many years ago. Let's just say I was infatuated with Frankenstein and
decided that the theory is viable and I tried to replicate Dr.
I didn't go as far as fucking around with a graveyard since that's kind
of sick. But I did stake out street corners waiting for the perfect
accident to happen and when it did, I jumped all over it.
The body was easy to drag from the flaming wreckage of the car and tie
to my bike, but I had a problem with the rolling severed head. It was
kind of slippery and kept falling from my grasp which gave the cops and
officials plenty of time to grab me and throw me in jail.
After the obligatory dunking in the town pond proved negative, I was
told that I needed to leave town and never, never, NEVER come back
again. And then for good measure a crowd of townsfolks brandishing
torches and pitchforks literally ran me out of town. I've still have
tong marks on my ass to prove it.
So now I'm going back, to maybe continue what never finished, or just
to check shit out. I haven't made my mind up on exactly what I'll do,
but it'll be a doozy. Maybe.
COMING NEXT: The planning continues