As I wander around this little burb I live in and as I duck and run for
cover everytime I happen to find myself in downtown Detroit, people are
always asking me the same question: What kind of CHANGES do you have in
store for us?
Well, I say, for one thing I won't have a bimbo prancing around in a
video professing her support for me. Who needs it?
Does this mean you're gay? they invariably ask.
Why no, I reply. I just don't need a skank riding on my coattails, which
confuses the citizens of Detroit because even though I might be wearing
a coat, they sure as shit can't see a tail.
Ah, don't worry I tell 'em. One day you'll get it.
Since I'm on a roll I decide to tell them that I'll be like their mayor
(only not crooked), but instead of being known as The Hip Hop Mayor (I
guess he likes bunnies) I would like to affectionately be known as The
Metal President because A) It sounds superheroish and B) Anyone with
half a brain knows that metal rules and C) I'm childish at heart.
Then they go on about healthcare and I tell them fuck that healthcare
bullshit what they're really concerned about it the rising cost of gas
and they agree because why wouldn't they?
And then I tell them my plan which goes thusly:
Go grab a beer, pop it open, drink it down really fast and go get
another. Repeat. Then go get another.
Slowly drink this third beer and ask yourself why should someone who
gets 32 MPG pay the same price for gas as someone who gets something
like 15 MPG?
Let's think of a vehicle that gets shitty gas mileage that's driven my
men with small dicks and women with so much plastic surgery they look
like something a quadriplegic retard would mold out of clay with their
tongue. Something like, oh................yeah, let's go with the
My panel of experts agree that the price of gas has gone up because of
demand. Demand. Demand. Demand. Oh, and demand.
Demand because someone wants to be noticed on the road and has to drive
the biggest thing they could find. And as I've said before, always one
fucking driver in these monstrosities. Loading up the back with one bag
of groceries and then driving home, using up 5 gallons of gas on that
Anyway, my plan would be simple. The higher MPG you get, the cheaper the
But wait, you say. How can we manage this? How can we be sure that the
person with the 15 MPG won't try to scam the gas pumps/station (because
they will, trust me on this)?
Easy! We'll bring back the gas station attendant, complete with uniform
AND hat! Everybody loves new jobs opening in their neighborhoods and
this will do just that!
The attendants will have a book of every car ever made and their
estimated MPG, so they'll just consult the book, set the price on the
pump and that's that. Tipping wouldn't be mandatory, but would be nice.
And those that try to buck or fuck the system go immediately to jail, do
not pass go, etc., etc.
And when I finish telling them about my plan, they walk away silently
with confused looks (yep, that coattail thing is still bugging them) but
I know they know that I know that they know that I've got my finger on
(The preceding was paid for by nobody.)
TOTAL COST OF MY RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY (SO FAR): $0.00
COMING NEXT: It'll be dapper